RP for renegadeinexile

[thecricketer]

The Doctor had his head beneath the console, a tool kit at his side, and his hands plunged in very delicate wiring.

He didn't need to make this repair, not strictly; the TARDIS ran well enough without it. But it would make reactions just a bit smoother, just a bit swifter - and besides, he felt he owed her some tender caring to anyway.

It certainly wasn't because he needed something to distract him while he waited.

He wasn't impatient, he decided as he pulled a thin silver rod from the ancient box; he'd given her as much time as she needed and he'd meant it. He just...well, he never was good at standing still, really, especially when there were nagging thoughts to run from.

So he worked, and was content, and sometimes he smiled. He already knew what their first real trip should be - he'd promised already, after all.

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[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

He swallowed, and it was an effort to keep going, to keep his eyes on hers, knowing his revealed so much, too much.

"I don't abandon my friends," he said quietly. Then, softer still, "It's enough to regret. To stop."

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

"I do," she breathed, forcing herself to stand still, just as afraid now to look away as she was to hold his gaze. "I don't know why it is you find me so worthy of your understanding, I..."

She faltered for just a moment, swallowing past a lump in her throat. "I'm grateful for it."

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

"There's no need. As I said, you're my friend, and..."

He lowered his head, slightly, though he still met her eyes, and in his own, for the first time since he closed the distance between them, there was hesitance. Uncertainty.

"We've all done things we aren't proud of," he said softly.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

Her chin raised, and she drew in a breath, words immediately coming to her lips. She wanted to know what he'd done, and why.

But a moment's reflection stilled those urges, and instead she squeezed both his hands, shaking her head slightly, her eyes concerned as they noted the uncertainty in his.

"And we can all forgive, yes?"

Her thumbs drew small circles on the backs of his hands.

"If you can remain my friend despite the things I've done... I can do the same for you, Doctor."

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

The Doctor swallowed, a soft, grateful smile turned the corners of his lips - but it faded a moment after, and he shook his head.

"You've told me of one murder you've committed, when you didn't need to." His voice was barely audible.

"It's only fair that I do the same."

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

She studied his face for a few silent moments, her brow creasing. Then she sighed, and nodded, giving his hands another squeeze.

"If you find it necessary, Doctor... then yes. By all means."

One side of her mouth twitched briefly, as if trying for a resigned smile. "I promise you," she went on, her voice as quiet as his had been, "that I'll listen. And not judge."

Her thumbs resumed their circular paths on the backs of his hands, their pads rubbing lightly over skin and bone as she met his gaze receptively.

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

A slight nod, and then his brow furrowed. It was clear that he was considering - he didn't like that he needed to. He didn't like that there were deaths to choose from.

He knew, of course, what he would choose. He knew the hardest, the coldest, the clearest case.

His voice was even, almost matter of fact. His hands tightened in hers.

"I burned Koschei to death."

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes widened in surprise.

Of all the things he could have said, she had to admit, that was about the last thing she would have expected to hear. The third part of their little knot at the Academy, dying such a violent death... at the Doctor's hands?

Clearly there had to be a reason.

"Tell me what happened," she implored softly, holding his hands firmly in hers, refusing to look away.

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

It was difficult. So very, very difficult to hold her gaze and say what he needed to say. His eyes were wide, and distant, full of things he wanted to shove away but didn't, just this once

His voice remained calm.

"He'd made a mistake. Experiment gone wrong. He went to a planet - Sarn - because of the Numismaton gases in the volcanoes. It would restore him, but the resulting bursts would destroy the planet." He paused, gaze flitting away and returning again.

"I couldn't save Sarn. Turlough found a way to save the colony there. Meanwhile I..." Another pause. He didn't look away this time, but it was clear he wasn't seeing her any longer. His tone was flat.

"I added calorific gas to the surge. He didn't realise, at first, and then he started screaming. He begged me to help, and I stood and watched until there was nothing left."

Near the end it broke, just a little.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

Her eyes were wide too, staring, but they saw. They saw everything. His struggle to speak. How difficult this was for him to share. How difficult life had been since the events he was describing.

How very much weight he'd carried, for so long.

Her hands closed around his as he spoke, firmly, as if trying to anchor him. When his voice broke she frowned, and then let go of his hands, her hands going to his shoulders instinctively.

"I... don't know what I could possibly say," she said in a very soft voice, "except to repeat your sentiments. You're my friend. I won't abandon you."

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

His gaze had fallen, but his head jerked up at the touch, as if it awakened him. It was surprise, now, widening his eyes, baring everything in them, and he knew he must look very young.

Usually he would draw everything back, because no one else was supposed to see (are you okay? yes, of course, I'm all right). Certainly not his companions, but this was different, and though his eyes closed his voice shook when he spoke.

"So was he, once..." Open, again, and he pulled her into an impulsive embrace.

"Thank you," he said softly.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

She drew in a slightly startled breath, and then her arms slid up, circling his neck loosely. "I think that's all the more reason for us not to abandon one another," she whispered earnestly. "I don't..."

She studied his face, her eyes different to their usual cast, filled with concern and perhaps even a hint of longing.

"...I don't want to lose you, either," she said, her hand going to his cheek, fingertips lightly brushing his cheekbone.

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

"Yes..."

The touch startled him, and it must have showed, but he didn't pull away; if anything he leaned into it, just slightly.

It was so very strange, and painful, and honest, and he wasn't entirely sure how to deal with it.

"I'm so very tired of losing people," he said softly.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

She nodded, pressing more of her hand against his cheek, her palm cradling it gently. "I know," she breathed. "I know. We'll not lose each other. You won't lose me, not if I have a say in it."

There was so much she didn't understand. How they'd each gotten to this point in their lives. How they'd both changed so much, drifted apart. How it was their paths had crossed once more. Why they'd been drawn together. Why it was he refused to turn away from her, despite everything.

Why it was so important to her to stay, to try to offer him comfort and understanding.

Her thumb stroked his face again, this time near his eye, and she sighed softly.

"I don't want to see you lose any more."

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

"I'd rather you didn't, either," he whispered, and the corners of his lips turned up, just slightly. It was tempting to let the mask slip into place again, but he settled for the small, genuine smile instead.

His arms tightened around her as he spoke again.

"I suppose we'll have to look out for each other, then." The last of the Time Lords.

The smile stumbled, but never fell from his features.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

She seemed to almost melt a bit at his smile, the tension leaving her body, a little sigh of relief escaping her lips. Her thumb trailed to one of the turned-up corners, running along its curve gently before coming to rest on his jaw.

This was a most strange and singular moment, and she couldn't remember its like. But somehow, in this moment, it seemed far easier to not pull that cloak of remoteness and disdain back around herself. It seemed better to let him hold her a bit closer, to lean into him and let her arm slide further around his neck.

And it seemed more fitting to reply, softly, "I'd like that," as she returned his smile, a bit wavering, but as honest as his own.

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

His gaze traced her touch with something like awe; he couldn't recall anyone touching him like that, not for some time, and instead of disconcerting him it felt...soothing.

He allowed his embrace to tighten, to pull her as close as he could.

"I think we can manage," he said, and somehow, he believed it.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

Somehow before she'd even fully caught on what was happening, she found herself pulled to him, nestled against him, his arms tight around her.

She wasn't sure which surprised her more: the fact that she was there... or the fact that she had no wish to fight it at all. She didn't want to run, didn't want to push him away, didn't want to retreat behind her usual stance of cool gentility masking barely-restrained disdain.

It rather felt, she noted as her arms slid tighter around his neck, the fingertips of one hand losing themselves in the hair at the nape of his neck, as if she'd just found something she hadn't even realised she'd been searching for.

"We can manage," she repeated, letting her head rest on his shoulder, closing her eyes, and holding on as tight as she dared.

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

He didn't speak, at first; it was easier, for the first time, simply to feel, and to hold.

He couldn't quite sort it out yet, and the oddest thing, the very oddest thing was that he felt no urgent need to. This was fine, this was good, this could stay the way it was as long as...

No, he wasn't going to think in beginnings and endings, not this time. Not yet.

"Of course..." he said softly.

"I'm certain we still make quite the team." One member short, and he wasn't going to think of that either.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

She smiled, though he likely couldn't see it, the way her head was resting on his shoulder. Her fingertips began stroking small, comforting circles on the nape of his neck, and she closed her eyes, just allowing herself to savour the feel of it, to dwell just in this moment and not be worried about ones yet to come or haunted by those already past.

"We do, yes," she agreed. "And I imagine we could only improve upon that from here on out."

She turned her face, so that her temple rather than her forehead rested on his shoulder, her face turned toward his. That was as far as she was inclined to move, at that moment; it was strange that it didn't bother her at all, but it was a good sort of strange.

One she could entirely get used to.

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

He was suddenly gazing into her eyes again, and there were no barriers (no regrets no tears no anxieties), and it wasn't frightening anymore. It was how it should be, at least for this moment.

His hand drew back, almost of its own accord, rising to touch her cheek, a light touch he could barely understand.

"We always were good at adapting," he said, his voice still soft, as if afraid to intrude, to shatter something precious and fragile.

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

Her eyes met his, and there was no discomfort this time, no attempt to retreat or to hide.

And then his fingers found her cheek, and she drew in a breath, surprised... but pleasantly so. Her cheeks coloured slightly and her mouth curved into a warm, genuine smile.

"We were, weren't we?" she murmured softly.

After a moment's hesitation, her hand came around to cover his, holding his fingertips against her cheek.

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

Such relief, to see no tension, no disdain; to know they were equally new to this intimacy, and equally content with it. He knew the faint flush, the soft grin must nearly mirror hers.

"Would you like to go back?" he said softly, after several moments of comfortable silence.

"To the plaza, I mean..."

((Bad tags? What bad tags? > >))

[thisway-comes.livejournal.com]

She lifted her head, and met his gaze, the soft smile still curving her mouth. "If you'd like," she replied. "I promise you won't hear any more shocking conversation concerning me. That was the only thing I was holding back."

[thecricketer.livejournal.com]

"Very good to know," he said lightly; his own smile was small, and warm, and he gently squeezed her hand as he continued.

"I'm getting old, you know, I don't know if my hearts could take any more surprises..."